One Year Later Everything is Better

Exactly 1 year ago today from when I write this post, I wrote the Facebook post shown below. It was the first time in years I'd felt truly happy, and like my hopes could be obtained. Those days were starting to happen more frequently, and grief and depression were finally starting to give. I still had really bad days more often than good days a year ago, but I could feel the shift shortly before I wrote this. It was like a light switch had come on, and I was finally ready to take back my life. I just knew it was coming. 

1 year later? They're all good days. Even the bad ones. Once you've been to the darkness of depression, the real darkness where you feel like no matter what you do all that exists for you is hardship, pain, suffering, anxiety, health issues, and every step forward is 5 steps back, even normal bad days aren't bad days. Sickness doesn't take you out of life. Grief doesn't leave you in bed for a weekend. Dreams do feel possible to achieve. Simple things no longer have to be prepared for in case you feel sick later that day.

Depression is real. It's complete utter garbage, but it's real. It's excruciating, and the only way I can explain it is this: Picture your soul trapped in a dungeon cell. It's cold, dark, there are chains keeping you from reaching the iron bar doors. You're starving. Except for a tiny hole in the stone wall, it's completely dark. You have no idea how you got there, who put you there, or how you'll ever get free before you die. Anything you do to leave, is completely futile. People yell at you through the tiny hole to come find them in the light. You WANT TO, you want that more than anything but you have no idea how they are free, and you're not, or where they are, or if it's all a lie to trick you. Is anyone up there actually free?

THAT is depression. Your soul is trapped in a dungeon while your body goes on living. Sound dark and miserable? It is.

I never expected my mom's death to do what it did to me. I never expected to actually feel like I was dead, too. Doctors have a name for what happened to me. It's called Complicated Grief. As if grief isn't complicated, already, right?

It's been 4.5 years since my mom was first diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. From day 1, I immediately spiraled. I spent 3.5 years of that time in the most misery I've ever experienced. I was a shitty wife. A shitty employee. A shitty friend. A shitty family member. A shitty person. That's what all that pain does to you. You become incapable of being able to maintain your relationships and you become so focused on surviving, that you don't care about anyone anymore. You just can't. There's too much darkness around you stopping you from reaching outward. 

But, despite all this, I am whole again. I have very few bad days anymore. If I get anxious, I breathe it away. If I get sad, I recognize it's ok, and let it pass while I continue living despite it. 

I thank god every day for healing, for amazing therapists, for really patient husbands, patient bosses, and for herbs and medicines that bring people like me back from the dead. 

If you're struggling, or a loved one is struggling with depression, don't lose hope. Sometimes, people don't reach their tipping point for years; sometimes, they never will. I am lucky enough to not have permanent depression right now. Some people are not. Some people live in that dark dungeon every day of their lives. The beautiful thing is, there are medicines, herbal remedies, health remedies, and people's own grit, that can get them through the hardest times. 

Don't give up on trying to find what works for you if you are suffering. Keep yourself as healthy as possible, and sometimes the light will burst open the stone walls of your dungeon on your dark days. 

I am so lucky to be healed. It happened when I wasn't looking. Then, when life threw some crazy stuff at me, and I was fine, I realized healing had come. 

Today, I'll be saying lots of gratitude prayers. 

I sent thousands upon thousands of prayers to heal me from my misery. Looks like they were answered. 

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